This past Saturday I felt disconnected from my YTT classmates. It is not something that they did because they are all amazing souls but I just felt "off". It all started in philosophy when we were talking about the environment and what we can do to make our earth better and the topic of vegetarianism came up. For the most part, everyone is a vegetarian which I respect. I was a vegetarian for 5 years but unfortunately because of my health, I had to stop. "Thou shall not harm" also applies to myself. Thankfully, my teacher does not push vegetarianism on us but again, I felt "off"...perhaps it was my own guilt.
Later in the afternoon another incident turned me off. We were discussing our teaching experience and my asana teacher asked me to share the story of when I subbed for her class. Someone made a comment that got under my skin and I was ready to just go home.
I walked home from class that evening and tried to clear my head...I don't feel like I fit the mold of a typical yogi, I am just me and sometimes I want to meditate and sometimes I want to scream FUCK.
Sunday morning came and it took everything in me to go to class. I have always struggled with not feeling like I belonged and shutting down (it could be because of my depression and social anxiety). I arrived to class and barely spoke to anyone, I put my pillow down for philosophy and sat & tried to hide in my shell.
I think the universe knew that I needed someone to connect with and she sent my 200 hour classmate Sara for reinforcements. Even though she is not taking the 500 hours, she stayed the whole day and her energy made me feel so much better. We were seated next to each other for most of the afternoon and I could feel my heart opening up again and my shell slowly sliding off.
Between her being there and my new love mala...the rest of the day turned around.
Ebb and Om posted this "Love Mala" and I knew that it was meant to be mine since recently I have been meditating on love. I decided about a month ago that I am ready to meet someone and open my heart to them. However, I think the mala chose ME because I still have some work to do with my own heart. It's made with Rhodonite (known for its emotional healing and is perfect for balancing the heart chakra.) and Rose Quartz (known for attracting and keeping love, also used when it comes to healing one's heart)
I may not fit the mold of a typical yogi so I will make my own mold...